As Rome wasn’t built in a day, the perfect relationship just won’t happen overnight. They all require effort and time to handle and preserve. Besides, you need not always get along with your partner — there are times when you simply can’t stand each other. Relationships are difficult sometimes, and no matter how much effort you put into one, you might be dismayed at one point. Sometimes, regardless of how strong and deep the love is, a breakup is inevitable.
Don’t think that your relationship is an exception. Namely, everyone believes so at the beginning. Unfortunately, the reality is harsh and will prove you wrong in no time. Every single romance nowadays experiences specific insights and phases. If you manage to overcome them, then your relationship is bound to be fruitful.
People We Fall for will Drive Us Insane Later
When Gretchen Rubin was doing research to gather material for her new book “The Four Tendencies,” she observed that two opposite types of people were extremely drawn to each other. Namely, those people she referred to as “rebels” were quite frequently involved in a relationship with those whom she called “obligers”.
The basic difference between the two types is that rebels conform neither to internal nor to external expectations. This means that they will probably resist any kind of order. Obligers, on the other hand, always satisfy external expectations. However, they don’t always satisfy the internal ones. What they need is a sort of external responsibility.
The author explained the relationship this way: a person who is devoted to their routines is prone to living their life following some sort of a schedule. They get up at the same time every morning, jog regularly, mind their nutrition and avoid going to bed late. If such people fall for those who are not so confined by routines, a very exciting relationship could arise.
However, when the passion wanes off, such opposite attitudes are likely to confront each other over time. Normally, two opposite types of people can spend their lives in complete happiness. It’s just important to stress out the pattern and its outcomes.
There Isn’t the Right One
If you were wondering whether the right one is waiting for you somewhere over there, the answer is no. There isn’t such a thing as the right person. Namely, Esther Perel, the writer and couples therapists, claims that the right one is the person you choose and with whom you decide to build your future. If you have picked somebody else, they could have also been the one.
Therefore, once you are involved in a relationship with someone, you are actually trying to make them the right one.
Material Constraints Keep Couples Together
“Material constraints” is the term that psychologists use to refer to material things that keep couples together. Those can be a house, a car, a mutual bank account, or simply a pet. Studies have shown that those material constraints prevent couples from breaking up. As the research from 2011 indicated, only one material constraint is associated with a 10% increase in chances that the couple will stay together.
The main reason is that it’s much more difficult to disengage when there is more than just you two. However uncomfortable it may sound; it is advisable to reflect on what to do when your relationship is over someday.
Bad Timing is a Good Reason for a Breakup
Jenna Birch, a journalist, elaborated in “The Love Gap” in what way timing matters for a relationship. She claims that there are instances when men and women do not desire the same things in a relationship. For example, before a man decides to bond, he may want to firm his social and financial position. A woman, on the other hand, is able to handle both love and career simultaneously.
Birch advises women to appreciate when men claim they don’t feel ready for commitment currently. This allows them to let such men go and find those who are ready. No one likes to waste their precious time in vain.
Interracial Dating Isn’t That Welcome
A blog post from 2014 published information from OKCupid dating website. The data show that people’s approaches to interracial dating may be dreadfully different. The website discovered that the number of its users who stated they prefer dating someone of their race decreased from 40% to about 30% in the period between 2008 and 2014.
However, Christian Rudder, the website founder, also discovered that nowadays users are less open-minded than before. This indicates that racial prejudice aggravated a little.
Just as an illustration, back in 2009, Asian male OKCupid users considered African-American women 16% less appealing than typical women. Five years later, Asian users rated the women in question 20% less attractive.
Passion May Ebb and Flow
The initial passion that couples feel at the beginning of their relationship may fade out in time. However, you shouldn’t panic immediately. Relationship expert and marriage counselor, Rachel Sussman, explained that the decrease in passion is quite natural in a relationship. What’s more, with a little effort, you can always bring it back.
There are a number of things you can do to revive your passion such as scheduling intercourse, attempting something new and exciting together, etc. Your passion may not immediately be returned, so persistence and passion is the key.
Different Values Are Difficult to Overcome
Values are not the same as interests. You can always ask a friend to play a game or go to a match with you instead of your partner. But, the problem arises when you are into making money and gaining social status, but your partner doesn’t seem to care.
Karl Pillemer, a human development professor at Cornell University, interviewed a number of elderly US residents and discovered a lot about the significance of common values. What his interviewees advised is that you and your partner openly discuss your fundamental values prior to getting married. This is a unique opportunity to include all significant topics such as children, finances, jobs, religion, and everything else of great importance.
One elderly man wisely remarked that different personalities, as well as different perceptions of what is wrong or right and what should and shouldn’t be done from the very beginning, will never be improved. They can only deteriorate.
Feeling Miserable is Inevitable
Complete and eternal happiness is hard to achieve, not only in life but also in relationships. Marriage educator Diane Sollee stated that a great number of people have unrealistic expectations of their marriage. She warns the couples who are about to get married that it will not be easy. There will be occasions when partners simply can’t stand one another. In addition, there will be occasions when they feel bored, mad, frustrated, even hostile. According to Sollee, all these feelings are normal and acceptable in marriage.
Idealistic Expectations Are Bad for a Relationship
Ruth Westheimer, also known as Dr. Ruth, explains that Hollywood films instilled unrealistic expectations for relationships and romance, let alone marriage. She warns that, unlike in Hollywood films, stars won’t twinkle every single night in real and harsh life.
She also explains that multiple climaxes are improbable and overrated. However, people still expect them due to some Hollywood films and their explicit scenes.
Dr. Ruth recommends the couples to lower their expectations and be realistic about both their sexual intercourse and the relationship in general.
Compatibility May Not Persist Forever
A sad, but true fact, is that the compatibility between partners may fade out in time. This further implies that the person you felt happy and compatible with at the very beginning need not necessarily be the one you will feel content with for good.
As Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University explained even though we may gain compatibility in a relationship or marriage, it still may fade out with time. The true question is whether the partners will try to make their relationship function despite the way they have both evolved.
Less Educated People Are More Inclined to Divorce
Finkel revealed another upsetting conclusion — less educated people are more prone to divorce, i.e. they possess a greater divorce and a poorer marriage rate. Even if their marriage persists, it’s far from being fruitful.
Namely, the National Center for Health Statistics discovered that even 78% of women who graduated from college in the period between 2006 and 2010, may expect a 20-year-long marriage. As opposed to them, for women with lower education, the stakes amount to only 40%.
Finkel explains this phenomenon by stating that a fruitful marriage is impossible in stressful and tense circumstances with numerous problems getting in the way.
Relationship Experts Experience Problems Too
Conflicts with your partner may remain despite the effort that both of you invest in improving or saving your marriage. Books or articles you read and the counselor that you visit are no guarantee that conflicts will disappear.
However strange it may sound, even marriage counselors and therapists experience disputes and conflicts. The main key to overcome them is to remain curious. Always inquire what might have troubled your partner and be ready to listen to them.